4 Ways to Set Boundaries and Not Feel Bad for Saying No
Are you tired of saying yes and being a people pleaser? Setting boundaries allow you to establish your identity without making a negotiation to please others. Creating boundaries will help you to improve your lifestyle while making sure you're not allowing others to take advantage. When I started my therapy sessions the first thing my therapist said was “you need to set boundaries and prioritize your needs.” I felt insulted because all along I thought putting others first was loyalty. I've always shown up for the people I love and care about even if it didn't make sense. I was riding for mine but in return, I would be upset with the results. I realized I didn't set any boundaries when I started to show up for others but in return, they either didn't consider my emotions, taken advantage of me or expected me to drop everything on a fly. This turned into toxic loyalty because as time goes on I started to resent these people and the situations they put me in. I prioritized their needs and neglected my own. I started to become disconnected to myself questioning my self-worth. I had to develop a relationship within and understand my values.
Here is how you set those boundaries:
Recognize your core values:
You have to identify your values and understand what your willing to put up with before setting those boundaries. Create a boundary list that outlines your boundaries in categories from your friends, colleagues, relationships, family, etc. This will allow you to monitor when someone is overstepping those boundaries. For example, I prefer to keep my relationship on the back end when it comes to discussing certain things in the workplace or even socially. I’m very protective of sharing pieces of me.
2. Notice the people who drain you:
This can be family, parents, friends, associates whoever! Protect your energy. I’m sorry to be blunt but some of the closest people to you will be the ones to test you. They test you because the motto “family over everything” or those exaggerated Pinterest quotes defining what loyalty means. Don’t fall into the guilt trip. I was there I fell deep into a hole. Therapy gave me the courage to put my foot down and recognize my self-worth. I was so drained from pleasing people that I forgot to take a look at myself. I stopped answering every call. I stopped feeling bad for not picking up because when I do the energy would suck me dry. I'm aware of the energy I surround myself around and I became skilled at navigating uncomfortable situations.
3. Listen to your instincts:
I would often feel guilty for saying no because I was afraid it would cause tension between me and others. Have you ever had someone ask you to do something but you know this wouldn't fit into your schedule? The person continues to press the issue because every situation is an emergency. Girlllllllllllll bye! If you cant commit its okay. It's not the end of the world and they will need to maneuver to plan b. You cant always be available to please others because once you get in the habit of dropping everything on the fly they will no longer respect your time or boundaries.
4. Be firm and kind:
I've learned you don’t have to be disrespectful and rude when setting boundaries. If you don't have those extra coins to send off let them know this will not fit in your monthly budget. If you want to sit in the house and do absolutely nothing but relax don't allow others to make you feel like you have to commit to favors because you're not technically “working”. Say no this won't be able to work out for me today and continue with your life. If you can’t afford to take a trip because your finances are in the ground don't let your friends manipulate you to feel like your always the friend missing in action. Learn to say no and not feel bad about it. Just because your not always available doesn't make you a bad person or friend. People tend to forget the times when you did show up for them. Don’t let that manipulation drag you into something you don't want to commit to.
You may piss off a lot of people when you start to choose you. Continue to set boundaries not to offend anyone but to manage the priorities and goals you have set for your lifestyle. Let me know in the comments if you struggle with setting boundaries or how do you stay firm?